From Anger to forgiveness
Hello everyone, my name is Gentiana. I started meditating for several years now and followed an inner discipline that feels right for me. Thanks to our Zen Master, that gave me a Dharma talk, I got to discover different aspects about events in my life. Dharma talk facilitated my thinking to go on a path that I thought was closed 30 years ago. The subject of Dharma talk is “From Anger to Forgiveness in Zen”. My initial response was: “I don’t usually get angry and it seems natural and fairly easy for me to forgive, therefore realistically speaking there is no Dharma talk for me”
But as we all know, our minds love to keep digging, inquiring and making good use of our attention. I kept looking for a time in my life when I was angry, not sad or hurt, but angry. My mind located the event 30 years ago.
Here is a short context of the event I am referring to: I was lucky to be born in a beautiful, established family with values, in the central part of Romania (Transylvania); even with the communism regime where the electricity and gas was cut off and thus was doing homework at the candle light, we still led a good and decent life, thanks to my parents. In 1989 I was in high-school, and for those that love history, know that in December Romania took place a revolution where blood was poured and wasted. The students started the revolution and in few hours the revolution extended throughout the entire country because Romanians wanted democracy. People were shot and bodies were buried. The president was executed on Christmas Day and a new president came to power. I am alive because although I was taking part in the revolution no bullets came my way and I made it home. In the next 2 weeks, I hoped, and I dreamed, I was breathing in the new change and I believed in a good future and then…ANGER. To me, anger is a way of responding to unmet needs or wishes; I realized that people died for nothing; nothing had changed: the mentality, the regime stayed the same. I had so much anger. Anger for what happened; I had anger towards the injustice, anger towards the unfairness, compassion for the families of those that died, and I had anger towards myself because I believed in a new world. I saw myself as not smart enough because I did not see the larger picture. Looking back I now understand that the anger was EGO driven.
I realized though that nothing is permanent and that I don’t have enough life to live to see the changes I wanted to see and I accepted the situation but I had decided to leave the country. The stars aligned only when I forgave myself, when my anger was replaced by forgiveness. It took time; the anger dissipated in time and it only happened because forgiveness took its place. I got the visa and came to Canada 6 and a half years later.
Thank you for listening.